Pain in the arse

When I sat down to take a shit this evening, I was worried by a persistent pain that felt located approximately an inch above the top end of my buttock crack. The sensation was like that of tearing, of tissue being repeatedly twisted and rended apart. It was moderately painful, but did not impede my excretion in any way. As such, I can only assume that it was an unimportant and transient pain.

My point is this: never understimate the importance of warming up before taking a protracted shit.

Another nice surpise

At work I had to hold it in for four hours. When it finally came out, it slid out like a hand out of a bloody glove. Plop plop plop. A nice long shit; solid, brown logs; a pleasurable feeling of emptiness throughout the large intestine post-defecation.

Shitting @ school

Since you can't realistically defacate in a urinal, I chose a cubicle. The cubicle was small, approximately two and half feet square. Luckily, there was a coat hook. The toilet seat was damp in places, probably from some retarded 12 year old's missprayed urine. Fuck that shit; I double papered the seat.

By carefully placing a poo basket in the toilet, my now-firm shitlog landed softly in the water with hardly a sound (just the typical sound of shit bouncing on wood pulp) and without treating me to a dose of splashback. It had a nice consistency, but still took a long while to push out due to its length and near-continuous nature - two big chunks. I wiped approximately seven times in both directions but the brown streaks refused to diminish. I resigned myself to some tiny skid marks.

Food consumed prior to defecation:
LUNCH: potatoes
BREAKFAST: baked beans; two frankfurters; toast

The long brown log of pleasure

Dateline: Work.

Made a log so large that it stuck out of the water like the sinking Titanic, rudder exposed and all. It was followed by a sinker that was smaller, but just as eye-popping in proportion. Both were the same vibrant, rich brown colour that was borderline tear-evoking.

However, my wipes were light brown, almost orange. Strange. Maybe these faecal leavings were bred in an orange cocoon that was shed by my sphincter; who knows?

Faeces Remain Consistent

This afternoon I again took one of my just-come-home shits. This defecation event had a similar consistency and sponginess as the previous scatshot. However, it was closer to a liquid than a solid, almost liked greased-up congealing rice pudding. (Only, y'know, brown, germ-ridden, and stinky.)

I may sound quite disdainful towards liquishits. I suppose I oughtn't; they have a big advantage over hardcore chunkies and their firmer brethren. Even if the borderline diarrhoeic stuff comes out like rabbit shit, it comes out easy. That's a big thing for me. I do enjoy a good lengthy egestive session, getting more and more involved with the experience with each additional millimetre you tough it out. Regardless, there are some times when I'm in the mood to just shit as quickly as possible and get off the pot. This was one such occasion, and I'm glad that my faeces followed through.

Wipes required: approximately 6; 3 for the bulk and 3 for the remnants.
Food consumed prior to defecation:
LUNCH: chips (freedom fries to you Yanks); beefburgers
BREAKFAST: toast with Marmite

Evening Shit

Thank Christ; I didn't have to take this shit in a dingy public toilet. I'm lucky, see. I'm quite regular: approximately one shit per two days. I appreciate my digestive system greatly, since it's so important and probably the only thing that just works, no matter what I ingest.

In spite of being quite old, tonight's poop did not smell excessively pungent. It definitely had a smell (you don't want faeces without smell - it's not natural) but it was a typical low-level shit smell. Good. A little straining was necessary, and a few large chunks were probably left matted around my arsehairs, but all in all it was pretty good. The poo looked kind of fuzzy, as if watching it on TV with bad reception. Probably because it was fairly squishy, not brittle and not hard, but firm like a clay cast of a nigger's penis.

Wipes required: 4; 2 for the bulk and 2 for the smears.
Food consumed prior to defecation:
LUNCH: cafeteria ravioli and runner beans; lemonade; chocolate digestive biscuits (McVities' brand)
BREAKFAST: Malties (they're this sort of, you know, own brand Shreddies rip off. I think they're some kind of bran shit.)

Thatguy Syndrome

After a downright unpleasant experience earlier in the evening, I felt a "Rumble in the Bronx" coming on and walked, head hanging, to the water closet.

Immediately, the juxtaposition between this defecation and the short, hard one from earlier was evident. What was previously hard was soft; previously sharp, hollow; previously clean, messy. The time-old saying of "be careful what you wish for, for you just might get it" couldn't have been more a propos, as I was blighted with a temporary bout of diarrhoea.

This was a six-wiper, not necessarily a personal record but quite the stunning reversal of misfortune. The post-defecation inspection was rather a let-down, as all that could be inspected (aside from the soiled toilet paper and a random undigested red pepper skin) was a yellow-brown cloud of liquid feces.

Compounding the issue further was the non-cooperation of the toilet in removing the abomination from my home. Though the toilet did drain, the tank had somehow not refilled the last time, so the bowl had low tide all around; some toilet paper returned from "'round-the-bend", bobbing in the waves, taunting me with its stain.

All in all, a severe let-down. Hopefully tomorrow, or the day thereafter, is better.